Reflections from 1986

Well, it must be about time I posted a light-hearted item on this serious website. During my time as a mathematics teacher, my last few years with the Ministry of Education, Victoria , Australia , were spent in a madhouse called the Correspondence School. The population of the school consisted mainly of Russian Jews, who were employed there upon their arrival from Russia . Never mind the Australian kids who freshly graduated and were looking for teaching jobs, they could wait.

In 1986, the Jewish Catholic Pope visited Australia . It was then that teachers at the school found copies of the sarcastic piece below on their desks. It was meant to be a harmless joke, but in the Jewish tradition, Jews never failed to whine. So, they complained to the school's Jewish principal, who in turn had to issue an apology and a comment about the "insensitivity" of that "cowardly act". Since then, relations between the Jewish teachers and myself were severed. I spent the remaining years at the school on non-talking terms with them, which I never regretted anyway. Here is the contentious piece:

AN OPEN LETTER TO HIS HOLINESS

THE POPE OF ROME

            I would like to draw the attention of your Holiness to the fact that the State of Israel has been declared the sole representative of all Jews since 1948. It must be known to your Holiness that such representation cuts across the barriers of time, origin and nationality. Every Jew puts his loyalty to the State of Israel above his loyalty to his country of birth, residence or livelihood. In return, the State of Israel undertakes to protect the interests of all Jews in the present, the past and the future. 

            I am writing to your Holiness, in my capacity as President of the State of Israel , in order to relate a pressing problem: It came to my attention that one of your predecessors, known by the alias "Jesus Christ", held a banquet in honour of his disciples, henceforth known as the "Last Supper". It took place prior to the unfortunate events that led to his alleged death, henceforth known as the "Crucifixion". Materials for the aforesaid banquet, to the value equivalent to US$ 1.09, were supplied by the Jews of Jerusalem . Our records show that the bill for such materials has not been paid. The outstanding account, inclusive of due interest, amounts to US$ 99000000000.99c.

            We are prepared to negotiate the terms and conditions of repayment, in order to avoid litigation and the need for an International Court order. As a token of good will, we are prepared to offer a discount of 9.99%, should your Holiness recognise the State of Israel . We are also offering a further discount of 90.01%, if your Holiness would denounce the existence of the so called "Palestinians", who occupied our land for thousands of years, in defiance of the fact that we hold a divine title deed, in fee tail, previously sealed and delivered to our ancestry by Jehovah, the previous owner. The menace of those Palestinians has been illustrated by their recent shooting down of one of our jets, while on a peaceful mission trying to clean up their filthy abode in nearby Lebanon . They also continue to deny acts of international terrorism, which we arrange on their behalf from time to time. This, in turn, forced us to annex a buffer zone in that insignificant gentile land of Lebanon . 

            We would also like to warn you that we will continue to ignore any notions of the so called “international law”, since we do have the ultimate command over the gullible people and government of the US . They are totally brain washed by our regular morsels of propaganda in their media, which we totally own and direct. We hold all important government posts and own the media in the US , Europe and the small outposts of Australia and New Zealand . We are strong and never wrong. You are advised to take notice and to heed the lesson of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who unwisely aimed at changing the status quo. You are also advised to further your education by watching our gas-chamber movies, which we insert regularly in television programmes all over the above-mentioned countries, lest they forget

Yours very truly,

H. Herzog

November, 1986