Omnibus News Service   Friday, July 9, 2004

NEW YORK—A public school teacher was arrested today at

John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board

a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square,

a slide rule and a calculator.
 

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft

said he believes the man is a member of the notorious  Al-gebra

movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged

by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average

solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents

in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x'

and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined

they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with

coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles

used to say, ' There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
 

 When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,

"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,

He would have given us more fingers and toes." 

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more

intelligent or profound statement by the president.