January 8, 2015

Sydney [Land of Oz]: A small secret cult calling themselves "Holocaust Affirmers" has been infiltrated by informers from the Australian Human Rights Police. Apparently this cult teaches an arcane form of alchemy that defies modern principles of chemistry. Their most bizarre belief is that human bodies can be used as fuel to burn other bodies. A group called the Nasties (sic?) were alleged to have done this to joos in Europe many decades ago. Some Hoaxoco$t cult affirmers even believe that c. 4,000,000 joomans were gassed in a tiny, porous wooden shed right across the street from the restaurant where the nastiest Nasties would wash down their bratwurst and sauerkraut with huge mugs of Oktoberfest beer.

A joint inter-university committee of Australian scholars from departments of European history, chemistry, and criminal psychiatry has been established to investigate these strange cult beliefs and to determine the extent they permeate society.

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New York: The Tom Lehrer Society announced that it is withdrawing its Year 2007 "Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky Prize for Plagiarism" awarded nine years ago to Harvard Law School's Alan Dershowitz. Tom Lehrer had paid tribute to the famous Russian mathematician with his song, "Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky is my Name" and its famous line, "Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, so plagiarize."

The Tom Lehrer Society explained that Dershowitz had violated the high academic standards of plagiarism by copying fraudulent garbage from some silly housewife, Joanne Peters, who wrote a book in the 1980 so bad that it could fool only boobus americanus. As soon as the book appeared in England where many people could still read, Peters was caught with her proverbial pants down and had to hightail it back in a hasty retreat into housewifely anonymity. Her book was such trash that even America's Defamation League [ADL] denounced it by saying it could only have been written by an auntie-Semenist.

At any rate, Dershowitz resurrected the bogus data and racist idiotology of Peter's thoroughly discredited piece of rubbish and published his "research" as "The Case for Israel." The Lehrer Society had known that Dershowitz plagiarized his entire manuscript, but only later learned that the book fell far short of their two basic required standards for acceptable plagiarism:

1. The plagiarizer must insure that the author plagiarized is a recognized authority.

2. The piece plagiarized must not have been previously discredited.

The Tom Lehrer Society recommended Sigmund Fraud's plagiarisms of Nietzsche as the ideal standard toward which all cheaters and intellectual property thieves should strive. As a parting shot, The Tom Lehrer Executive Committee scoffed at Dershowitz, "You cannot defend a bullshit cause by copying bullshit."

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DWS paraphrased quote of the day:

"Draw me a picture of the Bergen-Belch-Burp homocidal gas chamber capable of micro-waving 2,000 people per hour! You can't draw one? Then shut the friggin' up!"

[Reworded from Dr. Robert Faurisson.]

[Notate bene: Today's version of Professor Faurisson's challenge has been made less severe in the hope of eliciting an intelligible and relevant response.]